In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower she writes, “Change is God.” It was in reference to change being the only truth that we really know. Well ain’t that the truth. Last time I was writing I was talking about less being more and algorithms or something and just a week after that a member of my family was killed in a mass shooting in Jacksonville. It was a hard thing to wrap my mind around and admittedly took me off my vigorous work schedule sandwich of marketing-sales-marketing (aka working before and after work).
My brother and I drove to Jacksonville, helped my family deal with things that the public probably doesn’t even think of of when considering mass shootings, like talking to homicide detectives, victims rights advocates and even the mayor, having to identify a body at the medical examiners office, giving statements to the media, etc. We did all of these things in one day, and after putting our LA family on a plane back to the west coast, like a crazy person we drove back to Atlanta, and I went to back to work. The day after that I was on a plane going to Los Angeles to help plan a funeral and continue to coordinate with Los Angeles police departments, mortuaries, DOT, churches, gamers, media, and caterers - and still in contact with officials from Jacksonville because what happened was a crime, it was A LOT. But I handled it, and the first time in a long, long, long time, I felt like I did a good job. I was good at juggling those balls, keeping myself and others calm, delegating some tasks and getting the job done.
I walked away knowing that I am very good at working under pressure, stress, as well as multi-tasking and seeing multiple sides to a situation and addressing them accordingly. While I forbade anyone in my family from dying in the next five years, the level of focus and thought that I gave to all the tasks at hand, really surprised and pleased me. It’s an odd thing to feel like you’re doing good at such a painful time.
I came back to Atlanta completely exhausted and weirded out. What just happened? By the time I actually began to get my bearings back, it was the near the end of the year, and honestly …I was like “fuck it!” Minds well start the new year off on a new foot.
I had the best intentions to go hard in my sales career this year because I wanted to stock pile some money and one doesn’t know where the end of the year will take you. Well actually you don’t know where life is going to take you at all, because the first week of the year my employer gave me an offer that I had to refuse. Don’t get me wrong, I could have stayed, but something in me said no and for the first time I followed through on it.
For the last 7 years, or so, I’ve worked in a profession that I never actually wanted. It felt abusive at times, I literally never felt like I was doing enough, being enough, or good enough, and I couldn’t seem escape it, I abused myself by staying. In the end I finally chose myself, the conditions presented just did not align with what I want in my life. I still had the memory of actually doing a good job and being appreciated for it, and I don’t think my spirit was in the mood to deal with less.
Some people are blessed with children and a husband, in this moment, I feel like I am blessed to have neither. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone nor do I have to look upon little mouths to feed with guilt - it’s just me. I’ve never been so proud to be unemployed. For the record, I’ve NEVER done anything like this. I know that I handled this last chapter of my work life well and I also handled my exit with grace. I’m looking forward to this brief respite. I still have bills and I’m not balling, so work and/or money will have to come soon, but I’m looking forward to the next chapter.